I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
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We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
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Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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