It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The police scanner is talking about you again....
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
