So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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