yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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