Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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