We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
