I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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