Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
