I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
worst night to have a conscience
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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