I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
