I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
