Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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