why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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