you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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