Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Randomize
