I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
