I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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