I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
