Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
