Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
