Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
