I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
