Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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