I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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