dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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