I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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