Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
