Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
