My pussy is not your playground.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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