At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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