Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
