I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
