My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
