I want to have your abortion
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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