I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
