Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
