In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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