I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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