and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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