This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
