alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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