you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
