I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
