Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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