I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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