Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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