im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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