the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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