whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
