So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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