I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
