Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
