Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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