I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
