And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
