Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
