you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad