I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
