The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
